Another bag of clutter went off to the charity shop today. Well two actually, both highly breakable and rather heavy - but gone - purged! Yet it is still surprisingly hard, this letting go of objects. Will it be needed at a later date? Maybe the twee photo album isn't really that bad? Things I've put into the charity bag are calling to me " take me out - you can't do this to me."
I'm finding the guilt increasing too. All those gifts I didn't want or ask for eg non Christmas or Birthday related 'presents' that were not to my taste at all. Did I act blasé when I received them?How much of a fuss did I make of the at the time? Where was my gratitude? I remember my mum making a fuss over everything I gave her as if they were gifts from the gods. Why didn't I act like her? Was my ungratefulness obvious?
Yet I was lucky. I did not need to receive gifts to know that I was loved. And so I console myself with the fact that although a gift can be seen as an expression of love, if I give it away it does not mean I love my mother less. I think that's why giving things to charity feel less guilty than if I were to sell the gift (although the act of selling is also a hassle).
Seeing my possessions disappear does feel good though. If feel lighter. I feel I have created space and order in my living space and that feels good. And I realise that keeping on top of the chores means I don't spend the weekend cleaning. I'm tackling it bit by bit, creating small wins rather than exhausting myself. This 'not working for a living' feels good for now but with less than three weeks before I give birth it may just be the calm before the storm....
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