Embracing laziness

Finally I seem to be able to do it to embrace laziness and to lie in bed until 11am; sit on the sofa reading magazines and not have the urge to tidy up! This is good and I'm not feeling guilty - well not too much... There are still emails to catch up, books to read, phone calls to make but they will always be there in some form or another. There are still goals to define and achieve but for now I have to focus on one goal...having a baby.

Went to my first baby sale today. It was weird queuing up with all the other mums and dads with offspring in various shapes and sizes. Once inside it was like a glorified jumble sale only worse as there were no old ladies, just mums with pushchairs. One mum was walking around ramming the wheels into people's feet, apologising and then doing the same thing all over again. The stuff on sale was quite expensive considering it was second hand. There were some nice clothes but then I couldn't help thinking 'how many times has that been washed or been sick on?' The same for most of it really. If babies weren't such messy things it would be alright. I also saw the odd book like 'The Pregnancy Bible but I'm almost done with that. It's what comes next and the NHS website seemed quite good for advice. I think I need 'The New mums Bible' but not sure anyone has written that!

What was strangest of all about the sale though was I felt I was entering into a new hitherto unknown world and I'm not sure I liked it very much. A works of pushy women and kids lying on the floor. Of strange clothes and equipment.  I began to see where my life was going and it was hard to focus on the positives when I walked past bars of people sitting drinking and relaxing on a Saturday - would I ever be able to join the world again? 

And suddenly I felt selfish for dragging my husband back into that world when he was just about to leave it behind. But then I had been left alone when he spent time with his kids when I could have chosen someone with no kids and spent all the time with them and enjoyed a lot more financial  stability, I guess these are the compromises you make when you fall in love.

Getting rid of clutter

Another bag of clutter went off to the charity shop today. Well two actually, both highly breakable and rather heavy - but gone - purged! Yet it is still surprisingly hard, this letting go of objects. Will it be needed at a later date? Maybe the twee photo album isn't really that bad? Things I've put into the charity bag are calling to me " take me out - you can't do this to me."

I'm finding the guilt increasing too. All those gifts I didn't want or ask for eg non Christmas or Birthday related 'presents' that were not to my taste at all. Did I act blasé when I received them?How much of a fuss did I make of the at the time? Where was my gratitude? I remember my mum making a fuss over everything I gave her as if they were gifts from the gods. Why didn't I act like her? Was my ungratefulness obvious?

Yet I was lucky. I did not need to receive gifts to know that I was loved. And so I console myself with the fact that although a gift can be seen as an expression of love, if I give it away it does not mean I love my mother less. I think that's why giving things to charity feel less guilty than if I were to sell the gift (although the act of selling is also a hassle).

Seeing my possessions disappear does feel good though. If feel lighter. I feel I have created space and order in my living space and that feels good. And I realise that keeping on top of the chores means I don't spend the weekend cleaning. I'm tackling it bit by bit, creating small wins rather than exhausting myself. This 'not working for a living' feels good for now but with less than three weeks before I give birth it may just be the calm before the storm....